The absolute ruler of the auxiliary battalion of the Socialist Czechoslovak army based at Zelena Hora was Major Haluška. Tall, slim, with a grim, weary look, and especially dangerous to other people. No one knew exactly what nationality he was. Perhaps Ruthenian, perhaps even Avar. He spoke a language that distantly resembled Slovak. In his youth he had been a lumberjack, but he soon traded his axe for a rifle, joining the Slovak state army. He fought against the Russians, was wounded, and received a medal. In forty-four he joined the Slovak uprising, was wounded, and received another medal. After the war ended, he taught himself to read with great effort, which, together with his having chosen the right political direction, allowed him to become an officer. After several breaches of discipline in combat units he was transferred to the Zelena Hora battalion.

“What's done is done,” was his favourite saying. “Now I'm a major!”

His arrival at Zelena Hora was grandiose.

“Why are the trees here so big?” he said, pointing at several century-old cedar pines protected by the heritage conservation authority.

“Cut them down! Cut them all down!” He personally supervised the felling.

“Is that what you call work?” he shouted. “Throw yourselves at it like a crow on a worm!”

He tore an axe from the hands of one of the soldiers and recalled his youth as a lumberjack. He did it brilliantly, and afterwards many of the onlookers claimed, not without a certain respect, that he was one of the few officers who could also have made a living in civilian life. But the major had no such intention. Having felled the cedar pines, he went into the courtyard, where his attention was caught by a beautiful baroque fountain.

“What is that?” he asked eagerly of the first lieutenant accompanying him.

“A fountain,” came the reply.

“A fountain?” the major wondered. “What does a soldier need a fountain for? I was a good soldier and I never needed any fountains! Take an axe and tear that fountain down!”

The order was carried out. Major Haluška went into the castle chapel. “Oho, a church!” he said, delighted.

“I'm very glad there's a church here too! It'll make a fine storeroom for the tailors and seamstresses! Only those angels will need their heads cut off!”

This order too was carried out.

Only then did the commander go into the castle itself, which, by order of the Minister of National Defence, Alexej Čepička, was to serve as barracks. Here Major Haluška took a dislike to the furniture.

“Am I some kind of baroness, to sit at a little table like that?” he said, pointing at a chess table.

“All this bourgeois crap – onto the fire!”

“But,” the first lieutenant dared to object, “it's a shame!”

“Shame?” the major asked, surprised. “What shame? The working class will settle scores with the tables of the exploiters, and no one can stop it! Comrade first lieutenant, carry out the order!”

Within a few days the castle was emptied out. Lorries brought heavy furniture, beds and straw mattresses here instead.

Major Haluška showed his authority once again. He ordered the frescoes on the walls to be repainted.

“Why should a soldier have to look at women like that?” he said, pointing at a portrait of some aristocrat. “Find a painter and tell him to paint our progressive traditions instead!”

The painter made an effort and produced a wonderfully senile-looking Žižka with a staff. The major looked closely at the famous military commander.

“Why have you, comrade soldier, painted comrade Žižka with such a pathetic little stick!?” he attacked the artist.”

“That's no orchestra conductor or a caretaker! Paint a light machine gun in his hands!”

“At that time, comrade major, there were no machine guns yet,” the soldier defended himself. “What time?” the major didn't understand.

“In the fifteenth century,” whispered the painter...

“What's done is done,” said Major Haluška. “Now I'm a major!”

Excerpt from the book “Black Barons”, written by the Czech author and humorist Miloslav Švandrlík